Sensitive Topics again
*Sigh* The longer this year goes on the more I'm tempted to GENUINELY RESEARCH potential ways to go to other universes. I'm not even kidding. I need a break from this universe, all I deal with is getting hurt over and over.
I feel even more empty than usual, despite for once wanting to prove that I'm NOT worthless. It just feels hopeless to even think about feeling any positive emotions at all, and I'm close to wanting to just lose them forever, but I can't bring myself to actually reach that point.
I just don't know what to do, I keep messing up, I can't find a way to fix things, I don't know what the hell is WRONG with me. I just want to know what's wrong but I can't tell what is and I don't know how I could get any progress towards figuring it out...
A few days ago I posted about potentially having hallucinated again, but I didn't say much else.
Basically what happened was at roughly 2AM, while my parents were both asleep already, I suddenly heard someone that sounded like they were literally in my room, but all I heard them say was "Hi Esther". It was a pretty casual and honestly sorta friendly-sounding tone, but it was so out of nowhere that it really startled me. I know for a fact it wasn't my parents, as again, they were both asleep already, and I didn't hear any doors opening OR closing, or any footsteps, nothing like that. A few minutes after I processed what had happened I decided to actually note it down using my E-Reader, simply going to the first book on it that I knew how to navigate to with my functionality levels being at "it's 2AM and I just heard someone that probably didn't exist", selecting the first word of the book, and adding the note to it so I could tell people about it the next morning.
A day or two later I had another mental breakdown and actually took the time to show that note to my mom.
It's just... my thoughts are a total mess, I can't even hear half of them, it doesn't matter what I try it just doesn't make any sense at times. I'm also constantly afraid to talk about all of this to my parents, or to anyone IRL really. This year has been horrible and I don't know if recovery is even POSSIBLE for me anymore.
...I don't even know if it'd be worth it at this point.
I feel even more empty than usual, despite for once wanting to prove that I'm NOT worthless. It just feels hopeless to even think about feeling any positive emotions at all, and I'm close to wanting to just lose them forever, but I can't bring myself to actually reach that point.
I just don't know what to do, I keep messing up, I can't find a way to fix things, I don't know what the hell is WRONG with me. I just want to know what's wrong but I can't tell what is and I don't know how I could get any progress towards figuring it out...
A few days ago I posted about potentially having hallucinated again, but I didn't say much else.
Basically what happened was at roughly 2AM, while my parents were both asleep already, I suddenly heard someone that sounded like they were literally in my room, but all I heard them say was "Hi Esther". It was a pretty casual and honestly sorta friendly-sounding tone, but it was so out of nowhere that it really startled me. I know for a fact it wasn't my parents, as again, they were both asleep already, and I didn't hear any doors opening OR closing, or any footsteps, nothing like that. A few minutes after I processed what had happened I decided to actually note it down using my E-Reader, simply going to the first book on it that I knew how to navigate to with my functionality levels being at "it's 2AM and I just heard someone that probably didn't exist", selecting the first word of the book, and adding the note to it so I could tell people about it the next morning.
A day or two later I had another mental breakdown and actually took the time to show that note to my mom.
It's just... my thoughts are a total mess, I can't even hear half of them, it doesn't matter what I try it just doesn't make any sense at times. I'm also constantly afraid to talk about all of this to my parents, or to anyone IRL really. This year has been horrible and I don't know if recovery is even POSSIBLE for me anymore.
...I don't even know if it'd be worth it at this point.
Aside from making the effort. That part always gets me when it comes to maintenance.
thank you for the amazing gifts 
