GrowlingCupcake wrote:Has anyone else had this kind of feeling or come to a similar conclusion or the like? What issues has it raised for yourself, personally? And how'd you realise/come to the conclusion/whatever of picking (serial) monogamy or polyamory or whatever?
I think those are natural emotions which will come to light in any relationship, but they're particularly crucial to be dealt with in a polyamorous situation. I am not, by nature, a jealous person. I just don't have it in me to be so. I take thorough pleasure in seeing what my lovers can offer one another and knowing that we each have something unique to contribute.
I do, however, sometimes wonder just what on earth they want with
me. Had I been my husband, I would certainly have gotten rid of me long ago. When he married me, I was mostly healthy, able to bring in an income to the family, and able to take care of the household matters. Now, I require someone to take care of me most of the time (can't even bathe or dress myself without help because the limbs are failing as the paralysis advances). I spend most of my day in a wheelchair, either asleep or on this computer. The few things I can do around the house, I do still perform but it seems to me an uneven bargain for all involved.
Luckily my lovers see it otherwise and when I get into that mindset they help me through it instead of rolling eyes and saying, "Here we go again."
Some of it, I think, has to do with the fact that we all took a lot of time to become friends first before we ever crossed over the threshold into being lovers. Dee has known me, as I said, for almost thirty years off and on (and in spite of some rather amusing things like my kidnapping him at a band event and stuffing him in the cargo bays on our bus because I wanted to take him home --- he was the Air Force cadet assigned to guide us around the Air Force Academy and I damned near cost him his career!) My husband and I have been together for fifteen years and married for ten of those years. Dorie and I have known one another almost ten years now, a friendship which was build slowly on line and at sporadic meetings at a convention. The real test of that relationship came last spring, when I was in the hospital and her existing husband (they were in the process of separating) wouldn't allow her to come to me after the doctors said I was dying. Dee came instead, I obviously lived, and we rode out Labor Day weekend to get her things and take her home.
Obviously, it could have ended badly. Some adjustments needed made because suddenly the house had two more people than planned in it. I won't say there weren't some crash-bang arguments and the "D" word wasn't thrown around in moments of anger.
The difference, however, was that we did allow one another space to cool down and we could rationally discuss it later, including validating the person's feelings, if not the truth of those feelings, and acting to ensure that everyone felt more secure.
We're friends first, then family, and finally lovers which is why I think the arrangement works so well.
And you never know how things will shift. My husband initially said there would be no way he would ever take on a male partner. Now he's considering allowing himself to explore that option with Dee.
But very definitely communication is key, alongside honesty. There are certainly some things your partner(s) don't need to know, but there are many that they do. Otherwise it becomes the proverbial elephant in the room.
, and kudos to you all for being able to live that way. Im sure its difficult at times.
Beetle by Cassowary
