How Dark Creatures and Narwhals Came To Be
Posted: July 22nd, 2009, 2:19:06 pm
Okay, here's another story I though of (Oh God, run for your life!). It won't win, but I'm sure you'll get a good laugh out of it. Let's just put it in the mountain range category.
Once long ago, all the pegasi and the unicorns were white and fluffy and sparkly and the whales were happy and sang and none had dangerous horns and... 'scuse me, I have to go throw up now. Anyway, our tale begins with a white pegasus named Snow. Snow was very wild. So of course, everyone wanted to catch Snow and make him pull their little vegetable carts and other such menial labor. One boy named Bellerophon-
"Hey! Author up there? You can't use this story! It's someone else's story! It's a well-known Greek myth!"
That's AUTHORESS to you! WHO DARES QUESTION ME, THE ALMIGHTY AUTHORESS?!?! I CAN TELL ANY STORY I WANT TO.
"It's Snow, your fluffy white pegasus character? You can't, actually. See, the point of this contest is to create your own legend, not rip off someone else's."
You know what, just for that, I'm taking your wings. And now you're a dirty old donkey instead of a pegasus, how do you like that? And you know wh-"
"That's not very nice... please stop..."
NEVER. I'm going to take your wings and put them on top of a horribly tall mountain with sharp rocks and monsters everywhere, and also at the top there's going to be a-
"Okay, I'm sorry, can I have my wings back n-"
DO NOT INTERRUPT MY RANTING!!! At the top of the mountain is a big ugly snake thing with six tattered bat wings and two arms and no legs and it will be green and yellow and red and it will ooze slime and breathe poisonous fire and-
"What exactly the hell is poisonous fire? That doesn't even exist."
WILL YOU SHUT UP?!?! You know what, I'm not even giving you a weapon now. You have to find one yourself. Go ask the whales or something, maybe they have a sharp shell you can borrow, haha.
"B****."
OUT.
So Snow the ugly donkey was about to set out, when he noticed his unicorn friend Sparkles playing in the meadow. Somehow, Snow was able to convince Sparkles that it was in fact him and not a random ugly donkey. She must be really gullible. How Sparkles has not been kidnapped by a pedobear yet is beyond me. So as I was saying, Snow convinced Sparkles to help him get his wings back. They set off together, heading towards the sea.
After a few days of traveling, in which they were chased by killer bees, angry boars, and venomous snakes-
"Was all that really necessary?"
*glares* Yes. After being chased by one last cloud of hornets, they finally arrived at the seashore. The oranges and pinks of the sunset were dancing across the playful waves of the clear blue sea. In the distance, a majestic whale breached, hitting the water with a resounding crash that sent glittering droplets of water soaring through the air. Then the whale popped up at the edge of the water. Giving the donkey a disgusted grimace-
"Hey!"
-the whale proceeded to ask Sparkles, "What are you doing here, my beautiful forest dweller?"
"I dunno, ask him!" chirped Sparkles, giving the whale a ditzy smile.
"We're here because we heard you might have weapons. We'd like some," said Snow.
The whale thought for a moment before replying, "As it happens, I have a magical sword on me. It can kill stuff dead mighty fine, oh yes! But it ain't cheap. Whatcha gonna give me in return?"
Snow looked down. He looked at Sparkles. Finally, he looked back at the whale. He leaned in to whisper, "How would you like to have your very own horn? Like a unicorn horn, for your head. Aren't you tired of being so plain and defenseless?" The whale agreed. And so, Snow snapped off Sparkles' horn and gave it to the whale. And that is how narwhals were created. The narwhal handed over the sword. It was beautiful, with rubies and emeralds and amethy-
"Um. Wait a second. Authoress, this is a sword. I can't use it, I don't have hands."
Just go with it kid, okay?
"But I- It just won't work!"
...
FINE. I'll change the laws of physics in this story, just for you. And you better be thankful, you hear? And just because you're such a whiny-butt, your friend Sparkles is now a dark zombie-corn who will stumble after you trying to eat you for the remainder of this story. I suggest you run.
"WHAT?!?!"
And she gets her horn back, but you still don't have your wings. How do you like that?
"..."
Snow turned and ran from his dark, bloodthirsty friend. He ran and ran and ran. And he was chased by more wasps and boars and snakes, but none of those creatures even so much as glanced at Sparkles. Because I said so. Eventually, Snow found the huge mountain of monsters and sharp rocks. He pulled out his sword-
"This shouldn't be possible. Why is this possible?"
-and lept up onto the slope. He slowly fought his way up, swinging his sword like a madman. Blood spurted everywhere as monster after monster fell. But some of the monsters bit and scratched Snow. Which hurt.
*whimper* "Why?"
After two straight days of fighting-
You know what I love about epic legends? The characters never seem to need to eat, drink, go to the bathroom, or even breathe! That's just amazing.
-Snow stood before the horrible monster guarding the top. Being incapable of planning a strategic attack, Snow raised his arm-
"Um, I don't actually have arms."
SHUT UP ALREADY!!! Snow raised his arm, sword held high, and charged, screaming, straight for the beast. Unfortunately, Snow doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut. So he slipped on a rock and fell all the way back down the mountain. Which hurt. And Sparkles was at the bottom and almost ate Snow. Any comments on this, you fool?
"..."
No? Good. This time, because of his crippling injuries, it took three days for Snow to get back up the mountain. The monsters had magically regenerated and were very angry about being killed. They attacked like angry bees-
"OH GODS, NOT ANGRY BEES! Such... horrible... memories..."
Finally, Snow scrambled up over the edge of the mountain. The monster had fallen asleep waiting for Snow to make it back up the mountain. Now, even though Snow was ugly and stupid, he had enough sense not to wake the monster by screaming and charging. He walked up and stuck that sword high into the monster's heart. The monster popped. It was actually an inflatable monster because I was too cheap to hire a real one. Snow stood trembling, in a rage, for his valiant charge three days ago which sent him tumbling was all in vain. As he stood there panting, Snow caught sight of something beautiful peeking out from behind the fallen balloon. It was his wings! They sparkled and shimmered like a thousand kindergarten craft projects.
"Your descriptive skills nauseate me."
...Do you want your wings back or not?
Snow ambled over to his wings. As he walked drunkenly towards them, he slipped on a rock and-
"Oh no. Not again you don't!"
Fine.
Snow lowered his muzzle to the wings. Recognizing him, they rose up and alighted on his back. He was a beautiful pegasus once more. But he had changed because of his adventures; he was dark as night instead of pure and snowy white. Not really, I just like darker colors better. His adventures had nothing to do with it. Now he was a black stallion, coat shimmering like dark silk. His eyes shone like amethysts. He looked upward at me, his almighty authoress and said,
"I will hunt you down and kill you if it's the last thing I do. You'll pay for this."
I hope you enjoyed it!
There needs to be a "Most Humorous" category. 
Once long ago, all the pegasi and the unicorns were white and fluffy and sparkly and the whales were happy and sang and none had dangerous horns and... 'scuse me, I have to go throw up now. Anyway, our tale begins with a white pegasus named Snow. Snow was very wild. So of course, everyone wanted to catch Snow and make him pull their little vegetable carts and other such menial labor. One boy named Bellerophon-
"Hey! Author up there? You can't use this story! It's someone else's story! It's a well-known Greek myth!"
That's AUTHORESS to you! WHO DARES QUESTION ME, THE ALMIGHTY AUTHORESS?!?! I CAN TELL ANY STORY I WANT TO.
"It's Snow, your fluffy white pegasus character? You can't, actually. See, the point of this contest is to create your own legend, not rip off someone else's."
You know what, just for that, I'm taking your wings. And now you're a dirty old donkey instead of a pegasus, how do you like that? And you know wh-"
"That's not very nice... please stop..."
NEVER. I'm going to take your wings and put them on top of a horribly tall mountain with sharp rocks and monsters everywhere, and also at the top there's going to be a-
"Okay, I'm sorry, can I have my wings back n-"
DO NOT INTERRUPT MY RANTING!!! At the top of the mountain is a big ugly snake thing with six tattered bat wings and two arms and no legs and it will be green and yellow and red and it will ooze slime and breathe poisonous fire and-
"What exactly the hell is poisonous fire? That doesn't even exist."
WILL YOU SHUT UP?!?! You know what, I'm not even giving you a weapon now. You have to find one yourself. Go ask the whales or something, maybe they have a sharp shell you can borrow, haha.
"B****."
OUT.
So Snow the ugly donkey was about to set out, when he noticed his unicorn friend Sparkles playing in the meadow. Somehow, Snow was able to convince Sparkles that it was in fact him and not a random ugly donkey. She must be really gullible. How Sparkles has not been kidnapped by a pedobear yet is beyond me. So as I was saying, Snow convinced Sparkles to help him get his wings back. They set off together, heading towards the sea.
After a few days of traveling, in which they were chased by killer bees, angry boars, and venomous snakes-
"Was all that really necessary?"
*glares* Yes. After being chased by one last cloud of hornets, they finally arrived at the seashore. The oranges and pinks of the sunset were dancing across the playful waves of the clear blue sea. In the distance, a majestic whale breached, hitting the water with a resounding crash that sent glittering droplets of water soaring through the air. Then the whale popped up at the edge of the water. Giving the donkey a disgusted grimace-
"Hey!"
-the whale proceeded to ask Sparkles, "What are you doing here, my beautiful forest dweller?"
"I dunno, ask him!" chirped Sparkles, giving the whale a ditzy smile.
"We're here because we heard you might have weapons. We'd like some," said Snow.
The whale thought for a moment before replying, "As it happens, I have a magical sword on me. It can kill stuff dead mighty fine, oh yes! But it ain't cheap. Whatcha gonna give me in return?"
Snow looked down. He looked at Sparkles. Finally, he looked back at the whale. He leaned in to whisper, "How would you like to have your very own horn? Like a unicorn horn, for your head. Aren't you tired of being so plain and defenseless?" The whale agreed. And so, Snow snapped off Sparkles' horn and gave it to the whale. And that is how narwhals were created. The narwhal handed over the sword. It was beautiful, with rubies and emeralds and amethy-
"Um. Wait a second. Authoress, this is a sword. I can't use it, I don't have hands."
Just go with it kid, okay?
"But I- It just won't work!"
...
FINE. I'll change the laws of physics in this story, just for you. And you better be thankful, you hear? And just because you're such a whiny-butt, your friend Sparkles is now a dark zombie-corn who will stumble after you trying to eat you for the remainder of this story. I suggest you run.
"WHAT?!?!"
And she gets her horn back, but you still don't have your wings. How do you like that?
"..."
Snow turned and ran from his dark, bloodthirsty friend. He ran and ran and ran. And he was chased by more wasps and boars and snakes, but none of those creatures even so much as glanced at Sparkles. Because I said so. Eventually, Snow found the huge mountain of monsters and sharp rocks. He pulled out his sword-
"This shouldn't be possible. Why is this possible?"
-and lept up onto the slope. He slowly fought his way up, swinging his sword like a madman. Blood spurted everywhere as monster after monster fell. But some of the monsters bit and scratched Snow. Which hurt.
*whimper* "Why?"
After two straight days of fighting-
You know what I love about epic legends? The characters never seem to need to eat, drink, go to the bathroom, or even breathe! That's just amazing.
-Snow stood before the horrible monster guarding the top. Being incapable of planning a strategic attack, Snow raised his arm-
"Um, I don't actually have arms."
SHUT UP ALREADY!!! Snow raised his arm, sword held high, and charged, screaming, straight for the beast. Unfortunately, Snow doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut. So he slipped on a rock and fell all the way back down the mountain. Which hurt. And Sparkles was at the bottom and almost ate Snow. Any comments on this, you fool?
"..."
No? Good. This time, because of his crippling injuries, it took three days for Snow to get back up the mountain. The monsters had magically regenerated and were very angry about being killed. They attacked like angry bees-
"OH GODS, NOT ANGRY BEES! Such... horrible... memories..."
Finally, Snow scrambled up over the edge of the mountain. The monster had fallen asleep waiting for Snow to make it back up the mountain. Now, even though Snow was ugly and stupid, he had enough sense not to wake the monster by screaming and charging. He walked up and stuck that sword high into the monster's heart. The monster popped. It was actually an inflatable monster because I was too cheap to hire a real one. Snow stood trembling, in a rage, for his valiant charge three days ago which sent him tumbling was all in vain. As he stood there panting, Snow caught sight of something beautiful peeking out from behind the fallen balloon. It was his wings! They sparkled and shimmered like a thousand kindergarten craft projects.
"Your descriptive skills nauseate me."
...Do you want your wings back or not?
Snow ambled over to his wings. As he walked drunkenly towards them, he slipped on a rock and-
"Oh no. Not again you don't!"
Fine.
Snow lowered his muzzle to the wings. Recognizing him, they rose up and alighted on his back. He was a beautiful pegasus once more. But he had changed because of his adventures; he was dark as night instead of pure and snowy white. Not really, I just like darker colors better. His adventures had nothing to do with it. Now he was a black stallion, coat shimmering like dark silk. His eyes shone like amethysts. He looked upward at me, his almighty authoress and said,
"I will hunt you down and kill you if it's the last thing I do. You'll pay for this."
I hope you enjoyed it!
There needs to be a "Most Humorous" category. 
I love stories like this, they make me smile. Well done. ^-^
That was the intent.