This whole coronavirus situation, especially the latest restrictions, are making me literally ill. I have been diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder and agoraphobia over a year ago. During this time, I have been working really, really hard on getting my normal life back... I went to therapy. I was following my therapist's advices: 'accept your fears, face them, do not avoid'. I was forcing myself to go out, to hang out with people, to go to the shop, to enter the bus or the train - even when the very thought about doing those things was making me sick with fear. I screwed up more than once, sometimes I felt like the worst coward in the world. I went through many panic attacs and a few depressive episodes - but I put my whole heart into that fight and finally,
finally a month ago or so, I began to feel almost normal - almost like my old self. I even returned to my uni. I felt genuinely hopeful for the first time since being diagnosed.
Now, after those last few weeks spent at home, I feel that my whole fight was for nothing. Instead of facing social situations, instead of going out as much as I can, I am forced to do
the exact opposite. And here we go again. I went to the shop a few days ago - and I needed to leave before buying anything because of being at the verge of panic attack. I try to contact my friends via phone or internet communicators - and although I love those people, my voice and hands are trembling while I am talking with them, and I am practically waiting for the moment we say our goodbyes. Again.
Coronavirus restrictions are forcing me to ruin months of therapy. Now I fear that I won't have enough strength to go through all this fight again.
The worst thing is... I was always regaining my inner balance through the contact with nature - sitting on the grass, among the trees was helping me a lot. I don't have any garden, so I usually walked to the park or to the forest. But a few days ago, there were new coronavirus restrictions introduced in my country. Now people are forbid to enter parks, forests, recreation places in general - because the government decided that in such places 'people are tempted to break the rules of social distancing.' You can even get a ticket for visiting a cemetery, for gods' sake!
Apparently, I cannot take a walk to the forest, or along the river bank, but it is perfectly fine for me to spend an hour among the people in a queue to the shop. So logical.
I feel trapped. I am usually a creative person, I was always pretty fine with doing things at home - reading, embroidering, painting, writing, but now I feel... numb. I sleep a lot, hours longer than usually. Sometimes I am checking things on the internet, but mostly I try to read and I am falling asleep again. I cannot really focus on anything and I feel even worse because of that.
I am also so tired of all those motivational 'stay at home,' 'save people through social distancing', 'stay positive about the whole thing' messages. They began to irritate me. Maybe it's wrong and selfish, I don't know anymore. I just know that I have enough.
Maybe I'll feel better now, after venting a bit.
He became lethargic, weak, lost his appetite, and started breathing heavily 2.5 days ago. He has no interest in eating or drinking. I've been mixing kibble with water and giving him the "broth" with a dropper to help keep him going til we can get him to a vet, which will be this evening. They're going to pick him up curbside. This happened so suddenly and it could be anything. I'm so worried and upset. My mom and I adopted him when I was 16 or 17, I can't imagine life without him. I really, really hope this is something treatable and that we can afford everything...
