The Life of Anastasia- Please Comment&Critique

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Lavender
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The Life of Anastasia- Please Comment&Critique

Post by Lavender »

Hello. I'm a very inexperienced writer and want to improve my story, so I would love some critique! Thanks, and enjoy the story!
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Snow had just fallen on the Keep, covering everything with a soft white blanket. The sky is clear blue, and the normally busy Keep is silent, for everybody has stayed inside, due to the frigid temperatures. Almost everybody. A young girl, Anastasia, plays in the snow, seemingly unaware of the piercing cold. Her Mountain Tyullan, Emannuelle, shrieks loudly as Anastasia covers her in snow. She takes off, leaving Anastasia running toward her in protest. As she gets closer, she notices a flash of blue out of the corner of her eye. Curious, she walks hesitantly toward it. She realized that the flash was an animal, locking its intelligent eyes on her. She stepped closer, but just as she placed her hand upon its beak, Emannuelle swooped out of the sky, frightening the animal. Anastasia felt a weightless sensation overtake her, a jolt of fierce pain, and then, a wave of complete blackness.

She awoke in an unfamiliar place: a dense forest filled with snow-covered trees. If she looked directly to the north, she could see a vast expanse of snow and ice. She attempted to stand, but fell back down, realizing that her ankles had broken during her fall. She began to crawl towards the clearing, but it was hard work. After about 20 minutes of work, she collapsed from exhaustion. She heard a screech, and tried to open her eyes, but hypothermia and exhaustion were taking their toll on her, causing her to see no more.

She opened her eyes to see a welcome sight: a familiar Mountain Tylluan. She felt better: her ankles did not hurt anymore and her head no longer felt so heavy. But something felt wrong. She rose unsteadily, but quickly dropped to all fours, as her legs felt weak. She staggered over to a frozen pond that had surface like glass. Expecting her blue, almond shaped eyes to stare back at her, she looked into the pond. A beautiful creature that she had never seen before gazed back at her. Its body was deer-like, but far more graceful to be a deer. A powerful tail grazed the ground by her feet. A thick, tan colored mane covered her chest, back and tail. A pair of magnificent silver antlers arched above her, shadowing parts of her elegant face. She looked a bit like a Kirin, but a kind that she had never seen before. A soft hoot made her swivel her head backwards, ears pricked up. Emannuelle. She had forgotten about her. Anastasia crumpled her legs downward, allowing Emannuelle to mount her, for she would protect her from danger. She raced off into the forest, leaving the grotto far behind.
For many years, Anastasia remained alone in the forest, save for Emannuelle. She came out only during the night, and frequently came to the aid of many of the forest creatures. One day, she met a traveler, lost, cold, and dying. She appeared to him, his mouth falling open. There was a village close by, ten or twelve miles west, where he could find food and shelter. She motioned for him to follow her, and she led him to the village, bolting as soon as the village came into view. The traveler, whose name was Jarin, stared after her in amazement, as he finished his trek to the village.

After hearing Jarin’s story, many magi ventured out to find the wondrous creature of which he spoke. She did not reveal herself, until a young magi named Starla entered the search. Carelessly, Starla had angered a giant Albino Nandi Bear, and was just about to become dinner when Anastasia showed up. She whisked Starla back to the safety of the Keep, leaving her with three eggs as tokens of Anastasia’s good will.

Five years later, Anastasia went back to the Keep, interested in the wellbeing of her eggs. The young Kirin hatchlings were playing together in the snow, but as soon as they noticed Anastasia, they immediately rushed to her side. She nuzzled her babies, and lay down to get a better look at them. At that point, a door swung open, followed by a gasp. Starla stood in the doorframe, older now. Anastasia took one good look at her, and transformed back into her human form, a trick that she had mastered over the years. Starla ran over to Anastasia, enveloping her in a hug, with the Kirin hatchlings (Alexander, Alani, and Aria) rubbing their heads against Anastasia’s legs.

The rest of Anastasia’s days as a human were spent at the Keep, with Starla. Anastasia accomplished many amazing things while at the Keep including curing creatures and magi thought to be dead.

But there were some things that couldn’t be cured. Old age was one of them. While aging was impossible for Anastasia and Emannuelle, it was possible for others. Starla was only human, she would grow old and die. Eighty years later, Starla died with Anastasia by her side, with a smile on her face.

After Starla’s death, Anastasia turned back into her Kirin form, and never changed back. She and Emannuelle returned to the forest (later known as Silva Forest) where she first was lost. Rumor has it that Anastasia and Emannuelle still roam the forest today, appearing only in great times of need.



Hope you liked the story!

-Lavender
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Re: The Life of Anastasia- Please Comment&Critique

Post by MissMurderPaws »

I definitely like your story, I look forward to seeing more, if you decide to keep going
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Re: The Life of Anastasia- Please Comment&Critique

Post by twinkletalon »

Wow this story... My first thought is that this should be part of the lore on the world!
There is nothing inherently wrong with this either, one thing I think should be changed is the immortality. I slightly understand Anastasia being immortal but why is Emannuelle immortal? Is she an immortal protector of the immortal deer-like shape shifting prophet?
More context would be appreciated.
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Re: The Life of Anastasia- Please Comment&Critique

Post by Tierliebhaber »

I like the story. You have used a very descriptive language, which helps the reader to visualize the scene.
You could add an extra paragraph in it to help break up the story between setting the setting and introducing your character. "Almost everybody. (new paragraph) A young girl..."
But I really like your story. It does everything a short story should do. Well done.
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