Polyamory/Non-Monogomy

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ToxicFlame
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Polyamory/Non-Monogomy

Post by ToxicFlame »

Okay, folks. Here's a doozey. Particularly for people of "dating age." I apologize if this is too explicit for the site. I'd be happy to remote if or have it removed by the mods if this is inappropriate.

My husband (who I love very much and is not a bad partner) has recently {within the last few months} explained the urge to be polyamorous. Those of you who do not know, that means they are romantically (and intimately) involved with multiple partners. (This is different from an OPEN relationship where in partners are allowed to do whatever they please, whenever they please. It is high-focused on communication and healthy understanding of what each person needs and making sure those needs are met. Please do not think poorly of my husband for I totally understand where he is coming from and have had similar feelings myself before.)

I am struggling with this, naturally. Now, this isn't to say I have anything against polyamory. I have known many people to have healthy, successful poly relationships. And I've always been for it. Now that it is happening to me, of course I am quite scared.
Now, I have many meetings with myself about what does and does-not bother me. Frankly, I am not bothered by the idea of my husband kissing someone else - and to be honest (with a little bit more time to get comfortable with the idea) I'm not even concerned with him SLEEPING with others. It is more that I have a FEAR that either he'll leave me (he claims wholly that he won't and I trust him) or that I'll be unhappy.

And the more than I have meetings with myself and the more I think about it... I feel I don't desire monogamy so much as I just lack security and confidence in myself. He has told me he wishes to spend the rest of his life with me and make our life-based decisions... and that is my big key-factor in my marriage. Like, as long as he does that - and he loves and respects me, everything else to me feels like it could be compromised upon. And I have felt similar desires myself. He is very much aware of another friend of ours who I feel a strong desire to be 'somewhat' romantically involved with. He knows, and fully supports it. He even says that he enjoys when I go away and visit that friend for 24 hours and then come back because I and he come back with this renowned vigor for each other.

I am ready and prepared to indulge (and enjoy) this new lifestyle. but I am very scared and nervous - not because I don't trust my husband, but just because I have no security in myself.

So I guess I just want y'alls opinions! I ask that y'all be open-minded and discuss the positives or helpful ideas that may work alongside polyamory. I fully think this is a valid lifestyle and people can be very helpful and happy in it, but I am nervous about. So here are some questions to think about::::


Do you know what polyamory is?

Do you have any experience with polyamory?

What are your suggestions for someone dipping their toes into a polyamory lifestyle?

Please, and thank you all so much. This has been weighing on me a lot, and I feel like I can always come back and lean on this community. It means a lot to me. Please have an insightful and polite conversation below.
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Re: Polyamory/Non-Monogomy

Post by bookrage »

I barely know you and I don't know polyamorous people very much either except for a single person I've only known for a couple years.

One thing is, like most things, is communication. Your husband seems like he is being very open with you about his feelings, and you are doing the same. That's a definite plus. When this happens, you guys need to keep that up. Let him share his feelings and what he is experiencing, and you do the same.

Also, realize things can change. human relationships ar delicate and don't assume that because one of you has said or felt something at some point that that will continue.

Also, I'm going to bring in advice from someone far smarter than I could ever be. Karl Marx of all people has something to say on this. He was an early study of gender and love relationships as well as the evolution of economies and "class warfare." and for him he actually says some stuff on this.

He says that monogomy is not a natural condition and people, both men and women (he does not consider non-bianary but I think it still applies) will grow better and more able to realize their full selves if they are allowed to have more than one lover.

As for the insecurity of your husbandd leaving, you need to make that known to him, not to disuade him, but pretending you don't have worries is not going to help anyone.

As for him leaving. He sounds like a great guy. There's always that danger and I'm not going to lie to you on that one, but that's no different than in a monogomous relationship and the fact that you are being permissive and supportive is likely to help matters, not hurt them.

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Re: Polyamory/Non-Monogomy

Post by BradTheMad »

ToxicFlame wrote:I apologize if this is too explicit for the site. I'd be happy to remote if or have it removed by the mods if this is inappropriate.
As long as we keep the real 18+ details out of this thread it is fine. We had a lot of topics about sexuality on here actually and it was always done with respect and without any details not suitable for minors.
ToxicFlame wrote:And the more than I have meetings with myself and the more I think about it... I feel I don't desire monogamy so much as I just lack security and confidence in myself.
If this is truly the case you need to talk about this openly with your husband. He sounds like an honest guy bringing this up with you so I'd do the same in return.
The thing is, a lack of self-esteem can be a real dealbreaker in poly-relationships.

I'm not poly myself, me and my partner are monogamous by birth as we sometimes jokingly say, but I am not averse to poly relationships and have three friends who are in such relationships currently. So yes monogamy can be natural to some of us; won't bother with the how's and why's but it just is as it is for me.

The biggest pitfalls where I have seen poly relationships go bad is the same with any form of relationship; communication, trust, lack of codependency and self-respect.
Just be open with him about your feelings and that you probably need some more reassurance from him at the start and that is has nothing to do with him but you.

Counseling or therapy might also not be a bad idea to work on building up your self-esteem and confidence. This will only make you grow as a person and improve any relationships you might have in your life.
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Re: Polyamory/Non-Monogomy

Post by SapphireHeart »

I second the idea of counseling or therapy, especially before taking such a big step as opening your relationship/transitioning to a poly lifestyle, double especially if you're already feeling somewhat insecure. If you can afford it, you two might want to spend a few session with a couple's counselor - not necessarily because anything's wrong, just as a sort of "tune-up" for your communication habits before making the jump.

I'm curious - do you know whether you actually want to be poly, or just non-monogamous?

If you like advice columns, I'd suggest reading through Slate's How to Do It column. Not all of the questions will be directly relevant to you, but I know reading their answers has made me a lot more comfortable communicating openly about sex and other sticky relationship issues.

A book they recommend, and that may be helpful to you if you decide to explore polyamory specifically, is The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.
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Re: Polyamory/Non-Monogomy

Post by ToxicFlame »

Thanks so much for your support and advice, everyone.

Yeah I've been looking for that book actually. To be honest, I don't know what I want to be yet. I know I have non-monogomous tendencies. Again, most of my concern comes from my own insecurities and not really am issue with polyamory.

We are both open to the idea of counseling, but we live in the conservative American south and have no insurance. We see therapists already for our mental health through a non-profit organization and have considered having them host a couples session here or there. We're both a bit concerned we will be dismissed or frowned at because of the "liberal-ness" of our concerns. My husband doesn't want to be immediately villafied by a "professional" and I agree.

Thus far he has been very understanding and supportive and he wants me to get further in my mental health journey before he explores other avenues without me being present. Until then we're (primarily me) just warming up to the idea and enjoying flirting with others. And we're both working on other aspects of our mental health as well.

I'll be the first to admit I have codependency and confidence issues. That probably needs to be my first priority thing to work on...
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Re: Polyamory/Non-Monogomy

Post by LunatheDragoness »

Being poly isn't bad. It takes a lot of trust and communication tho. Semi-open marriage is also a consideration. That is what I have with my husband. We have strict rules.

1. Only people we both know and trust, mostly mutual friends
2. If feelings develop cut off intimate relations
3. No kissing
4. Protection
5. STD testing every 3 months if we have been intimate with another during that time frame

It works well for us. We don't want to add another person into our relationship so that is why we decided a semi-open marriage. So that is an option if you do not want to add another person into the relationship but also want to explore without the worry of commitment to another person. Of course, communication is still key.
Last edited by LunatheDragoness on August 17th, 2020, 12:35:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Polyamory/Non-Monogomy

Post by MistyoC »

I am non-monogamous. I am currently in relationships with 2 people. Each is aware of the other and they have met. One is still looking for someone to settle down with, but not interested in a serious relationship with me, nor I with him. The other is a bit more complicated. I'm friends with both members of a couple. We used to live next door and we have kids around the same age. T and I hang out sometimes (more now with the kids older). R moved out of town for work a couple of years ago, but still comes back to town for visitation and stays at the house with T and the younger kids. Recently R and I have started talking more and have become somewhat more than friends. We both agree on remaining non-monogamous. T is fine with this and we even have gone out a few times the 3 of us. Our kids are a little scandalized.
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Re: Polyamory/Non-Monogomy

Post by ToxicFlame »

Just having any sort of in-put from the rest of you guys has meant so much. First off, just having the platform to talk to other people has meant the world to me! But also just having the other input, and even the other information has meant a bunch!

We really don't know where wer'e going to go yet with our level of non-monogamy. We have a lot going on in our lives outside of our relationship. But when we decide on how we want our relationship to proceed, we will definately take some of this information into consideration and we will handle things accordingly.

Just... you guys... I am so grateful.

Currently, we are starting to think we are more "non-monogamous" rather than "poly" simply because we really enjoy flirting with others and we are attracted to others but we don't necessarily always feel inclined to interact with other people. That being said, I can't fully speak for my partner. Either way, I can't thank you all enough for your input.
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Re: Polyamory/Non-Monogomy

Post by YunoGasai »

Do you know what polyamory is?
Yes, I myself am polyamorous.

Do you have any experience with polyamory?
While I'm single at the moment, yes, I have experience being in polyamorous relationships. None ended due to anything specific to polyamory.

What are your suggestions for someone dipping their toes into a polyamory lifestyle?
It's a great lifestyle, so long as you follow the rules.
Communication is important. More so, I'd argue than in monogamous relationships because there are more parties involved. Have regular check-ins with your partner(s); when you're new to the lifestyle, maybe once a week or once every 2 weeks, something frequent but not TOO frequent. stretch out the check-ins once you're more familiar with being in a polyamorous relationship.
Actually TALK to each other. Be honest. Never lie.
If you have kids, & they are curious about it, of course don't lie. tell the truth in a way that you think is appropriate for them.
It's worth asking in the least confrontational way possible, if on principle your hubby is okay with you also seeing other people (even if you don't want to). If he isn't, don't open the relationship up.

Polyamory or non-monogamy can be an immense positive to your life, if it's for you & your hubby.
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Re: Polyamory/Non-Monogomy

Post by ToxicFlame »

Omg, I told you we were kindred spirits xD

Currently, both me and the hubby are mutually taking time to work on our own selves: mental health, (in)security, etc.... That type thing. We are comfortable calling ourselves "non-mongomous" for now because we do enjoy flirting with others. But between COVID and the other things going on in our lives, neither of us are particularly looking for anyone in particular (and the one guy I was sorta seeing didn't pan out). I KNOW I've got stuff to work on within myself before I work on other things, so that's our main priority - and taking care of our old people. xD

We are just constantly communicating with each other and seeing where we're at to see what each other's needs are, and it's working for now. I'm not saying we wouldn't open up the situation in the future, because that is a possibility. But it isn't a desire right now since we are so busy working on other aspects.

It is nice to hear such positive experiences though :3
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